About Crime Scene Coffee
Founded by Hilda Ristretto — Private Eye, Public Enemy of Bad Coffee
Not much is known about Hilda Ristretto. She doesn’t do interviews. She doesn’t do decaf. Some say she was once a detective in a city where the only thing staler than the trails was the coffee. Others say she walked away from a career in law enforcement after discovering the real crime was what passed for a “morning brew” in break rooms across the country.
What we do know is this: she’s relentless in her pursuit of bold flavor, clean finishes, and airtight freshness. Her roasts are rich with character. Her methods? Classified.
Hilda launched Crime Scene Coffee as a place for people like her — discerning types who know when something’s off… and who don’t settle until it’s made right. Every bag is packed under her watchful eye. Every blend is an open case file. And every cup? A darn good lead.
If you’re here, you’re either part of the operation… or you’re about to be.
Drink it black. Or don't. But never drink it bland.
— Hilda Ristretto
Hilda Ristretto works alone. She’s meticulous with her cases and doesn’t trust many — not with her leads, and certainly not with her beans.
She starts with raw coffee beans, discreetly sourced through a network of trusted contacts (don’t ask who — she won’t tell you). From there, it’s back to Headquarters. Where is HQ, you ask? Hilda would suggest you mind your own business… and sip your coffee.
Behind closed doors, PI Ristretto roasts each batch with surgical precision, testing every brew herself until it meets her exacting standards. Only then — and only if she's satisfied — will she begin packing and shipping orders.
No shortcuts. No loose ends.
Just dang good coffee, handled the only way Hilda knows how: personally.
